Beatles

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THE LONELY HEARTS CLUB

Albert Scrimp is leaving Billy Shears. Discreetly.

Saturday begins with the rain filling the cracks on the taxi bridge. Everyone smiles as Albert climbs into the taxi; at first sight the meter says 64.

Dave Blackburn is a military man. Chuck Lancashire gets by with a little help from the English Army. It was twenty years ago today they felt they could save the world with Sgt. Pepper. Now they know it was getting better all the time. When will they see that their world that’s so cold and dark is the old illusion? Chuck goes downstairs to have a cup and read the news. Leaving the note that he hoped would say more, he dances a waltz out the door. The rain gets in.

After a while Dave comes down to tea. Billy is turning somersets on the sofa; like a trampoline. Nothing to say but “How’s your day?” “Good morning” “Good morning.” They have a smoke and eat marshmallow pies.

“Having been some days in preparation, I have to admit it’s wonderful to be here without them,” says Dave.

“It’s certainly a thrill,” smiles Billy.

“And if somebody calls you, like that lonely girl with the diamond eyes, would you stand up and walk out on me?”

“Dave, you know nothing could come between us. Wuh! The band begins at ten to six, it’s time to go! The Hendersons will all be there.”

“The Hendersons! Silly people, towering over your head with their ‘aah! aah! aah!’s and ‘ooo-ah’s. Are you one of them?”

“When you see we’re all one and...and the people...and...and I really want to see the show.”

“I don’t really want to stop the show. It doesn’t matter if I’m wrong, I’m right here alone by the fireside. Nothing has changed, it’s still the same. I’ll see you tonight at nine o’ clock.”

Quietly turning the backdoor key, to Dave, “I’d like to thank you once again” -- and stepping outside, to the marmalade skies -- “for filling me up with your rules.” Billy drops Dave’s sweater in a river of rain.

Old Dave can see a looking-glass with no one looking. Is he thinking he’s free? Is he losing his audience? The clock stops his mind from wandering. It sings outta key: one...two...three...four... “I roam, I drift, and I still go. I will go.” He’s leaving alone after filling his home like a hole.

Standing in the garden by a cottage is Rita, clutching a handkerchief. A taxi snores up to the weeds and flowers. Albert hoops as he breaks from the taxi. She answers quite slowly, “Give us a wink, Daddy.” He combs the high weeds with his knees, head in the clouds.

“You look much older! Oh boy,” he laughs. “May I inquire, lovely mine, what do you hide in your handkerchief?”

“Hogshead!” she cries, and the pepper flies from her handkerchief and flows from without him within him.

“Aah...aah...aah...sgt!...ah sgt!...ah sgt!...hoo!” Albert gives her a look that says “How could you do this to me?”

Rita stops him with “You asked.”

They go into the kitchen. They laugh and laugh over dinner and drop evermore weeds in the fire.

Out in the street the celebrated Chuck Lancashire begins his preparation.

“Dear Rita, may I introduce to you the one, the only: Chuck Lancashire. ‘Where?’ you inquire? He’s here, he’s me! Say the word; I’d love to turn you on. A splendid time is guaranteed for all. No..no... ‘Do you need anybody? I need somebody to love.’ No... ‘Are you sad because you’re on your own? Let me light up your dark, dream girl!’”

Without a sound Chuck struggles through the weeds and picks a flower. He calls out “Hey hey hey, Rita!” Rita appears in the door. Fire light rings her head.

“Hey baby...huh. Ooo-ah.”

Rita glimpses his hat in the dark, “Mr. Henderson?”

“Huh uh. Baby, it’s wonderful to be a flower. I mean: I’d love to turn you round. I mean: here is a bottle of wine and a flower.”

“Send me a postcard, Pablo.”

“What did I do that was wrong?”

“Everything.”

“But I’m getting better?”

“I’ve seen better horses!” Says Albert, stepping outside, “Stop wasting her time.”

“Albert!”

“Chuck, go fly a kite!”

They point and crowd and challenge, leaving the garden a ruin.

“See the people standing there who disagree and never win and wonder why they don’t get in my heart.” The woman with the diamond eyes locks the door.

It’s now nine o’ clock. Billy and Mr. Henderson have found their way to the back of the cottage. Silently turning the backdoor key, Billy takes Mr. Henderson inside.

“Do you think we’re late?” Mr. Henderson says quietly.

“Uh...I didn’t really say we were going to show up. But I told her that I’d really like to see her again.”

“Lovely.” Mr. Henderson looks round, “Is that cellophane smoke filling the air?”

“Ah...I think it’s weeds. Yes, weeds. Rita? Rita?!”

Suddenly the lights go on. There she is, standing at the top of the stairs in her dressing gown.

Mr. Henderson stares. “Do you believe in love at first sight?”

“No. In my point of view it takes three or four or five or...”

“Two?”

Billy breaks in: “Rita, Mr. Henderson, Mr. Henderson, this is Rita.”

“Mr. Henderson? You look nothing like your picture.”

“He sings better live, too.”

“Oh? Show me.”

“If I’m gonna sing a song, I’d like you all to sing along.”

Billy winks, “Nothing doing. You two sing, I’ll show myself out. The flirt meter in here is way too high.”

Out in the garden, sitting on the flowers, Chuck and Albert play war.

“Two diamonds beat four hearts on Saturday!” Chuck sings.

“Yes, but that is a club. You’re out!”

“Oh.”

The door opens and out flows “We’d like to thank you once again” sincerely but a little flat. Looking up they see a form, yellow with fire light, leaving the cottage.

“Billy!”

“Albert?”

“You blew it too, Billy?”

“No, Chuck, I’m here fixing up two splendid people. I assure you I’m right where I belong. And yourself, Albert?”

“I had to get free of that Lonely Hearts Club back home. And Rita is really guaranteed to raise a smile.”

They smile.

“Man, he was mean, but he’s changing his scene, and he’s doing the best that he can.”

“Thanks, Chuck. So, what were you doing here?”

“Kaleidoscope war.”

“Chuck lose?”

“Of course.”

“Why here?”

“No train. No boat. Taxi’s late.”

“Where would I be without you?”

“I don’t know...Bishopsgate?”

A taxi stops at the outskirts of the garden. The meter reads 64. Out drops Dave with a valentine full of weeds. He sees the crowd in the garden and realises Rita’s door is a turnstyle tonight. He turns round, and, stepping on his weeds, he heads right back to the taxi with Billy, Chuck and Albert in tow.

In the dark taxi, they ride home.

“When I get older, will you still feed me?”

“Will you introduce me to Vera?”

“Will you two stop?”

Billy snores, asleep in the back.

As they pass over the taxi bridge, rain fountains out of the cracks.

Andrea Blumberg